Like most people pleaser's I couldn't say no. I didn't want to be rejected. I wanted everyone to like me. I always felt guilty for saying no so I didn't. This started when I was a child. Saying yes seemed much easier. All my life I was miserable. For years I didn't know why.
The older I became the more apparent it became that I had a problem. At first the doctors thought I was depressed, so they gave me pills. For years I took pills. I went to rehab. Nothing seemed to work. I knew something was wrong.
I hid in my work. I thought I found the answer to my problems. I was happy for a while. Now I had no life. I did a good job of avoiding people including myself. I avoided people for so long I didn't have any friends. So I started going to bars.
For a while I had the time of my life. Reality hit me when people started putting me in the position to say no. The drinking progressed. I justified saying yes when I really wanted to say no.
I became angry at myself and proceeded to drink. I felt more confident when I drank. But that presented another problem. I hurt people who really mattered to me.
I still didn't take care of my needs. I just stayed drunk so I wouldn't have to care. I was very resentful and hated life.
My life started to change when I took a good look at my feelings. Came out of denial. Started to examine my thoughts. Found out I was resentful to myself and others.
Lots of worry about what other people think. Lots of fear of pissing someone off or disappointing them. I also couldn't figure out what it was that did make me happy. I stayed frustrated because I wanted to be normal.
So I took a few days to myself. Locked the doors unplugged the phone. Just me and my thoughts. I started to take down some note's. I realized this was not going to be a quick fix. This will be a lifetime process.
Setting boundaries was the first thing I had to do. That to me was terrifying. That meant being honest with others about my feelings. So I practiced on people that really didn't matter to me. I had a friend that used me. So she was my first confrontation.
She came over to my house and wanted a ride. I took a deep breath and told her no. She proceeded to manipulate me. I told her to listen. Whenever I needed something you weren't anywhere to be found.
Also every time you call or come by you needed something. You haven't been a friend to me. She seemed very shocked. She walked out the door. I was shocked the power I felt. An instant satisfying amazing feeling I got.
I felt in control. At that moment I didn't feel guilty or worry about losing a friend. A few weeks went by and I saw her she apologized to me. I told her I still feel the same way. Then she turned around and said if you need anything to call.
What exactly are boundaries?
This can come in many different forms, but at its core, a boundary simply involves saying No. No to giving something; no to behaving in a certain way; no to being treated in a way that will hurt you. I had to find out what my needs and want are. Also to learn to value myself.
Immediately after this, a second recognition is vital. Just as you have your limits '" So do other people. They have their own needs, wants, and feelings; just as you would want them to respect your boundaries, so would you have to respect theirs. An intrusive, overdeveloped boundary can be worse than an underdeveloped one.
A good boundary respects all parties involved; clear and firm, but non-aggressive. And as you begin to shield and stand up for yourself, you will be surprised at how the world begins to treat you. It is one of the most empowering things we can ever do for ourselves
After several weeks of confrontation. It was time to take the next step. Learn to ask for help. Without feeling guilty. So now I'm on the flip side of being a people pleaser. I was not conferable with asking for help.
Because it made me so miserable all these years. In my mind I feared that everyone was people pleaser's. Felt the same way I did. I didn't want to impose on them.
Make them do something they really didn't want to do. This is when I feared being rejected when asking for help. To be turned down. Be a bother to others. I started asking for help with small things. Like help in the kitchen. Which was a shock to Ronnie because I usually ran him out.
Sometimes he would ask me if he could help me, but I would say no. Then be mad because I didn't accept any help when I needed to. Always doing everything in the house made me resentful, tired, never satisfied. By not asking for help I became frustrated and angry.
I expected everyone to read my mind and when they didn't I became angry. By not asking for help not only did I make myself miserable but everyone in my household.
Ask for what you want. Speak up! There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, That Is a big step forward. Even asking someone to help you do something will help. Even if they don't help you. The odds are higher than if you didn't ask at all.
Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others, but they don't do anything for you, maybe it's because you don't express your needs. It's not fair to make people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there's a decision being made, put in your opinion.
Remember no means no! Don't make excuses for saying no. Don't make statements like. I would if I could! Don't allow them to pry a yes out of you. Make sure you ask for help otherwise you won't get none! Be assertive, set your boundaries, hold your head high! Don't be a victim anymore. You have a purpose, you're not a doormat. Work hard to be you! Good luck!
The older I became the more apparent it became that I had a problem. At first the doctors thought I was depressed, so they gave me pills. For years I took pills. I went to rehab. Nothing seemed to work. I knew something was wrong.
I hid in my work. I thought I found the answer to my problems. I was happy for a while. Now I had no life. I did a good job of avoiding people including myself. I avoided people for so long I didn't have any friends. So I started going to bars.
For a while I had the time of my life. Reality hit me when people started putting me in the position to say no. The drinking progressed. I justified saying yes when I really wanted to say no.
I became angry at myself and proceeded to drink. I felt more confident when I drank. But that presented another problem. I hurt people who really mattered to me.
I still didn't take care of my needs. I just stayed drunk so I wouldn't have to care. I was very resentful and hated life.
My life started to change when I took a good look at my feelings. Came out of denial. Started to examine my thoughts. Found out I was resentful to myself and others.
Lots of worry about what other people think. Lots of fear of pissing someone off or disappointing them. I also couldn't figure out what it was that did make me happy. I stayed frustrated because I wanted to be normal.
So I took a few days to myself. Locked the doors unplugged the phone. Just me and my thoughts. I started to take down some note's. I realized this was not going to be a quick fix. This will be a lifetime process.
Setting boundaries was the first thing I had to do. That to me was terrifying. That meant being honest with others about my feelings. So I practiced on people that really didn't matter to me. I had a friend that used me. So she was my first confrontation.
She came over to my house and wanted a ride. I took a deep breath and told her no. She proceeded to manipulate me. I told her to listen. Whenever I needed something you weren't anywhere to be found.
Also every time you call or come by you needed something. You haven't been a friend to me. She seemed very shocked. She walked out the door. I was shocked the power I felt. An instant satisfying amazing feeling I got.
I felt in control. At that moment I didn't feel guilty or worry about losing a friend. A few weeks went by and I saw her she apologized to me. I told her I still feel the same way. Then she turned around and said if you need anything to call.
What exactly are boundaries?
This can come in many different forms, but at its core, a boundary simply involves saying No. No to giving something; no to behaving in a certain way; no to being treated in a way that will hurt you. I had to find out what my needs and want are. Also to learn to value myself.
Immediately after this, a second recognition is vital. Just as you have your limits '" So do other people. They have their own needs, wants, and feelings; just as you would want them to respect your boundaries, so would you have to respect theirs. An intrusive, overdeveloped boundary can be worse than an underdeveloped one.
A good boundary respects all parties involved; clear and firm, but non-aggressive. And as you begin to shield and stand up for yourself, you will be surprised at how the world begins to treat you. It is one of the most empowering things we can ever do for ourselves
After several weeks of confrontation. It was time to take the next step. Learn to ask for help. Without feeling guilty. So now I'm on the flip side of being a people pleaser. I was not conferable with asking for help.
Because it made me so miserable all these years. In my mind I feared that everyone was people pleaser's. Felt the same way I did. I didn't want to impose on them.
Make them do something they really didn't want to do. This is when I feared being rejected when asking for help. To be turned down. Be a bother to others. I started asking for help with small things. Like help in the kitchen. Which was a shock to Ronnie because I usually ran him out.
Sometimes he would ask me if he could help me, but I would say no. Then be mad because I didn't accept any help when I needed to. Always doing everything in the house made me resentful, tired, never satisfied. By not asking for help I became frustrated and angry.
I expected everyone to read my mind and when they didn't I became angry. By not asking for help not only did I make myself miserable but everyone in my household.
Ask for what you want. Speak up! There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, That Is a big step forward. Even asking someone to help you do something will help. Even if they don't help you. The odds are higher than if you didn't ask at all.
Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others, but they don't do anything for you, maybe it's because you don't express your needs. It's not fair to make people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there's a decision being made, put in your opinion.
Remember no means no! Don't make excuses for saying no. Don't make statements like. I would if I could! Don't allow them to pry a yes out of you. Make sure you ask for help otherwise you won't get none! Be assertive, set your boundaries, hold your head high! Don't be a victim anymore. You have a purpose, you're not a doormat. Work hard to be you! Good luck!
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